C

Line: It’s not you, it’s me.
Translation: It’s you.

Line (Version 2): It’s not you, it’s me.
Translation: It’s not you, it’s that hottie from the gym that I’m going out with on Friday

Line: We’re not connecting on an intellectual level.
Translation: You’re boring, and even the hot sex isn’t hot any more because you’re too stupid to think of more than three moves.

Line: We have nothing in common
Translation: Everything you do makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. Or yours.

Line: We’ve grown apart
Translation: I’ve grown up and you’ve grown potatoes in your butt from sitting on the couch

Line: You’re too good for me
Translation: I’m too good for you

Line (Version 1): You’re too good for me
Translation: You’re so uptight and anal that if you were going out with Jesus you’d nag him to shave

Line: I just need some space right now
Translation: And a restraining order, you clingy freak

Line: I think we should just be friends
Translation: We’ll never be friends, I just want you to go away.

Line: I think we should see other people
Translation: I already am

Line: We need to talk
Translation: We need to stop talking. Forever.

Line: I’m not ready for a commitment
Translation: I’ve already slept with you and I’m bored. I also may have slept with your best friend.

Line: I don’t know what I want
Translation: I would still like to keep you hanging on in case I’m bored on a Saturday or my other booty call doesn’t work out.

Line: —
Translation: I am going to be the disappearing kind of person who stops taking your calls until you figure it out for yourself.

And the all-time, killer breakup line award goes to…..

Line: So, how do you think this is going?
Translation: I want this to seem like a mutual breakup so you don’t hate me and try to kill me in my sleep. PS Can I have my key back now?